


cloudy day

by nerdyscully (dalecooperscoffee)



Category: Steins;Gate
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, angst angst angst, i promise this isn't all sad, implied PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-20 00:51:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7384471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dalecooperscoffee/pseuds/nerdyscully
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Okabe is hurt. Mayuri tries to figure out what to do about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	cloudy day

**Author's Note:**

> I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT GOT INTO ME.
> 
> to be honest i don't know how i feel about this. i wrote this in a bit of a emotional rush. it's very heavy. i don't know if i should admit this but i've struggled with suicidal ideation. someone who's experienced such trauma as okabe would probably develop PTSD--and suicidal feelings are often a result of that. i...hope i handled everything respectfully. it's late at night, and maybe i'll regret posting this in the morning (i never think my writing is as good as i once did after awhile). anyway, um, enjoy.

He’s on the roof a lot now. It’s normal for him; it’s his thinking place after all. But now he seems to be there all the time. He’s quiet, too. Everyone notices, thinking perhaps it’s a broody phase he’ll get over. He uses the excuse that he has a lot on his mind...which isn’t uncommon for Okabe, yet usually he voices what’s on his mind, loudly and in his mad scientist persona. He is so damn different, and it confuses everyone, even worries them. But, Mayuri...it just makes her sad. 

She doesn’t know what to say. She comes onto the roof and just sits, like when she was young and used to sit in his new apartment, before everything. It was quiet then, but still, a different kind of quiet. A nice quiet. Now it’s...heavy. And it hurts. She can feel it, really feel it, in her chest and stomach. She keeps searching for words, hoping that one day she’ll find them. 

She’s never told her Okarin she loves him. It dawns on her on a windy afternoon. Kurisu is on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. Daru is distracting himself with a visual novel. She stands up suddenly. “You okay?” Kurisu asks.

“I’m fine. I-I have to go talk to Okarin.”

Daru turns around. “That’s a good idea,” he says, and she smiles in thanks. She rushes up to the roof. He’s there, but not lying like he usually is. He’s standing, looking at the clouded sky ahead of him. He leans a little forward, and she stops dead in her tracks. Why is he so close to the edge…? What is he…? 

He leans a little more forward,  _ too _ far forward, and his name rips itself out of her mouth. _ “Okarin!” _

He turns around and she’s running, sprinting to grab his hand and pull him closer to a safe distance away from the edge. “Okarin, what are you  _ doing? _ ”

He falls to his knees, slamming them onto the concrete of the roof, hanging his head in apology or shame or sadness or maybe all three. “I-I don’t know what I was doing,” he admitted.

“I know what you were doing…” she feels the tears, hot and fast as that roll down her cheeks. “You were going to jump off, Okarin,” he can’t say anything in reply for awhile.

“Please, don’t hate me…”

She clings to him hard. “Why did you want to do that?”

“To make it stop. All of it. I don’t--don’t want to…” he doesn’t make sense anymore. He’s crying, sobbing. She hasn’t seen him cry in ages, maybe years. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

She sinks to her knees and holds him close. “Shh,” she comforts him, like he did when she finally cried after her grandmother died. It took her awhile then, too, to finally cry. “Like what, Okarin?” she knows of his dreams--they seem to be similar to hers, where she gets hurt, over and over…

“Like nothing at all.”

Nothing at all--that’s not Okarin. He is so  _ many _ things, he always has been--and he’ll never be nothing. He should never feel like nothing. She presses her face into his shirt. “Mayuri,” he begins, but doesn’t seem to finish.

“I can’t have you leave me, Okarin. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t,” she must sound eight years old again, having a temper tantrum. 

“I won’t,” he promises.

“Things will get better. You won’t have bad dreams, or see bad things anymore...I know it seems like it’ll take forever, but it really will change! I promise! A-and I’ll be right here, whenever you want me! I’ll never go away, Okarin, I promise! Be-because...I love you!”

He looks up at her, eyes shining. He’s said he loves her many times--not the real words, but she can tell through little things he does. He hugs her tighter for a few more moments before mumbling into her hair. “I love you, too, Mayuri.”

She knows she won’t hear it much again; this is really a once in a lifetime thing for him to do--that’s just who Okarin is. “Please don’t leave me,” she begs.

“I won’t,” he repeats. “I really won’t.”

“Don’t ever try to again.”

That, he hesitates with. “I...I’ll try not to.”

“Can you talk to me when you feel like it? I-I want you to feel like I’m here.”

She sees a weak attempt at a smile. “I will, Mayuri,” he says, and she hugs him tight, tight enough for him to cough a little. “But I can’t do that if you choke me.”

She laughs a little, backing off. “Okarin, let’s go downstairs. Let’s go and...talk. Let’s try to be happy.”

“Let’s try,” he agrees. “It’s bound to become truth if we try to be, isn’t it?” She stands and takes his hand as they make their way back to the lab.

“Is there a science-y reason-thingy for that?” she asks, giggling.

“You know, I’ve never looked into it. I probably should.”

She squeezes his hand, already feeling the ache in her chest and stomach that’s lingered for weeks beginning to fade.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope no one was OOC. i don't think okabe is one for declarations of love but in this situation, it's plausible.
> 
> i also hope things don't feel too rushed here. life can move so slow and so fast at the same time when you're depressed.
> 
> thank you for reading!


End file.
